I found myself watching Roland Emmerich's Independence Day for what was probably the 28th time the other day. As the Fresh Prince so masterfully defended the Earth with his sass mouth and funky dance moves, I couldn't help but feel sorry for all of the aliens out there.

I couldn't care less about those ID4 aliens--they just had to travel those 90 billion light years to start a big fight and ruin everyone's July 4th BBQ's. No, they definitely got what was coming to them. But for all those other, you know...'good' aliens in the universe, I fear first contact might go down less Close Encounters and more straight-up, street-smart all-American ass whooping--complete with boards. Boards with nails in them.

Poor guys. They'll never even see it coming.

Along with Nazis, zombies and ninja, aliens have been a staple in the 'acceptable to kill' to category in popular culture and media for decades. You want to make a video game in which a heavily armoured soldier blows away humans with a minigun in his hands and a big stogy in his mouth? Expect a guaranteed Mature rating and Jack Thompson busting down your door with a lawsuit for your murder simulator. But no worries, man. All you have to do is give those humans pointy ears and purple blood and you've got Game of the Year material. And it's Teen rating for nothing more than fantasy violence will give all those kiddies out there the opportunity to train up their alien extermination skills.

At the rate we're going, we'll have an entire generation of elite anti-ET's just waiting to tell any future invaders where they can stick their glowing finger tips. Big or small, grey or green; it makes no difference. Lock and load with dual SMG's firing 9mm explosive tip caseless rounds...that oughta make them bleed. And if it bleeds, we can kill it.

If extraterrestrials haven't yet made contact with us, I'm thinking they may have missed their chance. A few thousand of years ago would have been the prime. You know the drill--dazzle the simple humans with your advanced technology, create some gods, and get them to build you some boss pyramids. That's where it's at, right there. Nowadays any landing party would be flanked by religious fanatics on one side and 1337-speaking Spartan space marine wannabes packing Airsoft Uzi's on the other. What a lose-lose situation that would be. Best bet would be just get back in those saucers and take off.

In the interest of bettering interstellar relations, allow me now to propose a method by which we can warn any would be invaders of our bad-assitude. Bear with me now, because this wont be an easy task--but I think ultimately it will pay for itself should a fleet of city-sized ships with death rays happen to find our little planet. We can't continue rely on our immunities to Earthly contagions to save us, people. That would just be stupid. Here's a better plan... Step 1 is getting a massive cutting laser in orbit over the Moon. Once in place, it will cut a giant outline on the far side of Will Smith giving the galaxy the finger. A perpetual F-U to the void and sign of our unwavering desire to stick it to the man.

Violent or not, I'm confident such an image would keep any intelligent, space-faring species at bay. And then, should we evolve mentally to the point that we could welcome alien visitors without kicking them in the throat, all we would be required to do is shift Will's fingers around until he's giving a thumbs up instead. I honestly cannot think of a better welcome mat for our brothers from the stars.

Now then, if you'll excuse me, I want to get some Resistance Fall of Man game time in before Predator 2 comes on. Time to show those punks what a close encounter really means.