I'm not buying it. This whole vanishing bees, colony collapse disorder stuff? Nuh-uh.

When word first broke that bees were jumping ship outta here, I was thrilled. Not in a long time had I heard such great news. After years of suffering at the barbs of these winged terrors--getting pumped full of venom in the torrent of a death-swarm--hope was finally in sight. My epic struggle was nearly over...

...yeah right. Only a couple weeks into May, I've already faced down more of the buggers than I care to say. So your bees are vanishing, huh? I think I might know where they went: my place.

As you may be wondering by now, yes...there is a story to backup this tirade. But I must warn you, what follows is a tale of unspeakable horror. Although no blood was shed (not human, anyway), no poison transferred, and there is a happy ending to it, this story may not be appropriate for those with a bee or wasp phobia. Think you're man enough to handle it? Read on, friend.

It was a breezy Tuesday afternoon in Minnesota. The setting sun cast an orange glow under my semi-shut window shades. My stomach filled with a late lunch, I made my way to my computer desk. The plan was simple: do a little homework, surf the 'net a bit, then sit down and write out last week's K-Files. Pretty standard stuff for a Tuesday.

Carrying a heavy laptop bag and a bottle of water in one hand and some books in the other, I waddled into my bedroom and quickly found a suitable spot to plop everything down. Unable to turn on a light due to my load, I was doing my best to not crush anything in the darkness. Paying no attention, I placed my water bottle down next to my computer monitor and reached for my bag. That's when I noticed something that shouldn't be there.

Although the light was low, I could see it with crystal clarity. There, sitting at the base of my monitor amongst some various trinkets and paper clips, was the largest wasp I have ever seen in my entire life. We're talking quarter-sized, here. Wings a good half inch long. It was just sitting there--motionless--staring up at me.

Paralyzed with fear and analyzing my life-or-death situation, I found myself unable to move. For what seemed like an hour but was probably closer to a few seconds, I could do nothing else but tense up and face my assassin. How'd it get in here? Is it going to take flight? It can't be real...too big. Am I imagining this? My mind was going on overdrive. For the first time that I can remember, I honestly questioned my sanity. They say you're not crazy if you can question yourself...but man, I really thought that I had lost it. Full on, mind-shattering dementia.

Then it moved.

It was just a twitch, a slight movement of its thorax and wings, but it was enough. Encouraged by a near-overdose of adrenaline, I turned ass around and covered nearly six feet worth of ground in but two giant steps. Fearing I was being chased, I stopped at the doorway and took a defensive stance. By this time, my heightened senses gave me almost omniscient awareness of my surroundings. I saw no movement. Heard no buzzing. Without hesitation, my mind went from escape to search and destroy. The only thing worse than a wasp in my room was a wasp in my room that I couldn't see. I flipped on the light.

As I saw it still sitting there, prone under my monitor, the relief of knowing my sanity was still intact was quickly replaced by the terror and uncertainty of what to do next. Do I go in there and confront it? I had no suitable weapons on hand. But if I went to procure one, what guarantee would I have that it would remain stationary? Unable to make a decision, I did the only thing I had left to do...I called for help. To my luck, both my mom and brother were nearby and able to assist me. As soon as they arrived to relieve me, I wasted no time getting the hell out of there. I had no interest in the particulars, just wanted to know when the deed was done and when it was safely down the toilet.

As I write this now, I still don't feel safe. Although the intruder was eliminated, I still have no idea where it came from. Where there's one, there's gotta be more. I may have won the first round, but if and when they swarm, it's all over for me. I wonder though...perhaps there's some way to speed up colony collapse disorder...?